Occupational Destiny...

Wow man. There has just been a shitload on my mind recently. Not all of it I can put into words either. Some of it is getting me down but I'm just trying not to let it do that ya know? I'm generally happier than I was some time ago...more focused. Focused on my goals, it's almost like the negativity just provides more drive to get them done faster ya know?

Along with this kind of, new found sense of accelerated ambition as I'll call it, I'm feeling like I'm at one of the highest levels of vulnerability that I've been at in a while...but in this case, breaking down again is not an option. It's all gonna be healed, all fears and concerns will be allayed with the simple act of checking things off that "to do" list. I wanna reconnect with old friends, make some more music, secure an internship...hey, I've got an interview for one tomorrow. School is going well, though like I may have mentioned before the final stretch is pretty brutal.

It's weird ya know? It almost seems as if the closer I get to this impending fate, this "real world" future, this occupational destiny...the less scared I am. That doesn't make sense. By all rights I should be getting progressively MORE scared but I'm not. Another thing I said before was that my fear came down to the whole internship debacle. It's for that reason that I'm going to breathe a huge sigh of relief when tomorrow's interview is over...AND when I get the internship. Yeah that's right, I said "when."

I've gotta keep dreaming big, gotta keep crossing my fingers. I know I'll feel much better when I've got this stuff all in the bag and I can focus solely on schoolwork rather than internship hunting. This also eliminates the needs for for going through that upcoming threat of job hunting, at least for a couple weeks. I'd imagine I'll be doing internship stuff.

And this reading week needs to be somewhat fun...after all, it is "Spring Break" somewhere now isn't it?

Confidence my friends, confidence.

Adios homies,
Joe

P.S. I apologize if this entry is kinda messy, I'm half asleep right now while putting it together. Ohh, so much to do and so little time.

Life is the new everything.

It seems like this weekend ran away. It's beginning to feel like that a lot now..time in general is just flying by much quicker than I thought it would. I was afraid that, this being my final semester, time would screech to a halt.

I sound like a broken record, but I just gotta say one more thing on my whole "fear of the future kick." I figured it out today when I was discussing it with my best friend Matt who I seldom get to see. It's just the whole internship thing I'm worried about...come to think of it the same thing happened to me in print journalism...I was mortified...that is, until I found one. I think once I secure that internship and I know it's in the bag I'll worry less about it, the future I mean. What happens after that is up to me, and it shouldn't be frightening, it should be exciting. All I have to do is take some action, maybe see if I can get a Rogers internship close by rather than traveling all that way to 680. Something, I just gotta do SOMETHING. I just need to alleviate the uncertainty.

But anyway! Enough about that shit...I feel pretty damn good about the rest of this semester. The schedule is a lot more trying than last semester's, we're putting in much longer hours, but shit I feel like I'm doing something...I won't falter man...I can't let it happen! I'm going for some awards. I don't even wanna go to my graduation but I still wanna try to at least graduate with honours. Why? Just for the sole reason that I actually have a fighting chance of pulling it off this time around. That never happens! I mean, it's no sweat if I don't but it would be damn cool. "Oh yes, I graduated alright...with HONOURS biatch!"

I feel like my creative juices have been flowing a little bit better than usual these past few days, and it's kinda been a growing trend throughout the past few weeks. I'm excited for the summer, though it's a still a bit far off...and I know that I'm gonna have to be busting my ass looking for internships or volunteer work and perhaps even some entry-level jobs, but I really wanna record another CD!! I want to make more music, I want to see my friends, spend quality time with my beautiful girlfriend, I want to travel. Excitement is the key here...think of the good things that are up ahead..not the bad. As long as I'm pushing myself, trying to get in to the business, putting in my work and burning the midnight oil...on my off-time I can do whatever the fuck I want. Excitement.

Whatever, I said I'd stop talking about this. I think I'm gonna erase that little mural of mine that I posted a picture of a few posts ago. The one that says "Life begins in... ." Really, Joe? How fucking morbid. Life is now, man! And It's just gonna get better. Trust that it will.

Okay...no more complaining/breaking down/breaking through about the future in my blog to all you poor, bored readers(all three of you =P).

Gotta admit though...getting this shit off my chest and outta my mind...it feels damn good.

It's approaching 2AM and I've got a kinda early morning. I am unfazed. Far out.

Love, friendship, happiness and cookies to you all,
Joeyboy

Under Over pressure...

I look around, and the pressure is lifting. It’s like the tornado that’s swept up my life in the last little while has passed all the way through this low-key town. I think I’m starting to get over this fear of future frenzy (or funk, or fever) that I’ve come down with in the last little while (oh how I love alliteration). I feel…whole again, kinda, sorta…I guess. I think the pressure of school was weighing down on me, maybe I wasn’t getting as much done personally, hell whatever contributed to it is subsiding, but it seems like it’ll be something recurring. The pressure is always going to rise and fall throughout the semester, and throughout my lifetime for the next 10 or 11 weeks or so…but now I’ll know how to deal with it.

They say that breakdowns lead to breakthroughs…although I really wouldn’t call what I’ve been experiencing in the last little while a “breakdown” exactly, but perhaps just a series of little ones.

Things are still stuck in the back of my mind, you know, about the future. But I keep convincing myself that since I know they exist, I’m gonna do something about them. I’ve been on a pretty constant pattern of overall awareness and alertness as to what’s going on, and if I can keep up this pattern, I’ll be able to brave whatever school and life outside of it can throw at me.

A thought just occurred to me…why don’t I listen to what people are saying when I tell them about this irrational fear of the future? “You’re still young!” they say, “you have plenty of time to make your decisions, and there plenty of things you can do!” There are people in my program who are pushing 30...I hate to say it, but once this is all said and done, they’re out of options. I mean I’ve gotta maintain that I’m a firm believer in that “it’s never too late” attitude, but I’m just saying that I have more time than they do and that should give me a sense of…I dunno…comfort.

Ideally, my master plan was to have a solid job within two or three years of graduating this program…but who knows. Maybe I’ll find work that pays, related or unrelated to my field. Maybe it’ll be something substantial, something not…I can always do some volunteering on the side, save up money, maybe I WILL study abroad even though I don’t really see it as a possibility at this point in time. You never really know…

Of course, there’s also that other possibility of becoming a famous musician, that’s as possible an outcome as any other…

Just puttin’ it out there…

And thanks for reading it,
Joe