Question everything...

That fucking notion is back. You know the one: "quit school and become a rockstar!" "But notion!" I exclaim to it, "I've come so far, to turn back now would be ludicrous."

Tonight, during one of those semi-long car rides, my girlfriend and I were discussing the value of those pieces of paper we're waiting to be given to us by our respective educational insitutions. You know, the ones that we are awarded when society deems us capable enough to "do good work."

A little background: I started out studying print journalism, finished that two year program and got my college diploma, and now I am in my second and final year of studies at the same college for broadcast journalism. I don't know what it is but I think my perception of this industry has changed drastically over the last three and a half years. But to be perfectly fair, the industry itself has been changing as well...and quitting is definitely not an option, it's just an extreme notion that I wouldn't dream of considering now.

I just don't know...the fact is, I DO like this business. I like certain things about it, and I've always loved writing and the print stuff but I think I'm finding it harder to like broadcasting...or maybe that's just on-air. I think for a little while I though I was made for it, destined to be an anchor reporting on TV, but the fact is, there's so much more. Video and audio editing is so intriguing to me, but doing it wouldn't make me a journalist, it would make me a video editor. I think that would disappoint my dad. He always says to relatives who come over: "Joseph is going to be a journalist."

But I do enjoy many aspects of broadcasting..this whole video media no matter what I'm doing with it is intriguing. Video is not the enemy here, in fact it's a whole lot more than just that son of a bitch that killed the radio star...but that's the problem...fate...that whole radio star thing.

I love making music, and I love cutting together documentaries...but the fact is I have an unwavering passion when it comes to making music....I do not feel quite as strongly about sorting out chunks of video.

When it comes right down to it I'm not even sure that it's about that anymore...about this fate that I think I have to be a professional musician...I think it's about the fact that I, like many others, am scared. This, as far as my original intent, is to be my last four months of post-secondary studies...ever. I'll have been in college for five years come April (I did a year of advertising at first, didn't like it, got out quick) and I am petrified by the notion that I may actually have to find myself a long-term career. This notion only become more daunting when I take into consideration the fact that I have been struggling just to find a part-time job over the last four months.

I think in my last post I made a reference to a song I had written, "Small Town Boy." Appropriately enough, the lyrics go "I'm just a small town boy, with big dreams." At this point I'm not entirely sure what those dreams are, short of "I dream of being successful."

In a strange way I think I'm more well-off then some other people. My plan for after I graduate if I don't have a lasting internship is to find a part-time job doing anything, volunteer at my local Rogers public access TV station and start working on some freelance writing, pitching my stories here and there to different magazines and other publications. I actually HAVE a fucking PLAN...or at least an outline of what I'm gonna do to busy myself in life after school.

My trouble before was thinking ahead too much. I always think about this shit in the future like, "when am I gonna move out?" "when am I gonna find a decent job?" "when am I gonna get married and have kids and live happily ever after?"

Before, I didn't have to worry about finding a career, I could just coast through life working in warehouses and retail chains. It's different this time. This time it's right around the corner. I just hope I'm ready for it.

Well, now that I've gone and depressed everyone who's read this, let me just say this: no matter how much you may argue agaisnt it, how you carry yourself is a huge part of how far you go no matter what you're doing or what you eventually WANT to do. You gotta be like the more upbeat version of me (which I usually am, trust me) who just has a blind faith that in the end, everything will work out. Because after all, doesn't it always? The good guy always wins.

I'd like to think I'm the good guy. Chances are I'll get just a little farther if I think I'm the best guy.

Take care all you beautiful people. After all of that I still believe in me, so you should all believe in you too...I do.

Love,
Joe